Human beings have a remarkable capacity for attunement, though, at times, this can be hard to appreciate. For instance, many therapists, intent on providing a grounding, stabilizing presence, are often accused of doing nothing. (Of course, to the therapist who understands both the psychology behind the would-be “doer” and attachment/attunement theories, these accusations are to be expected and are often responded to with an infuriatingly calm therapeutic response. Typically, a sympathetic ‘uh-huh’ or a question about the significance this holds or the nature of the emotions triggered by “not doing anything,” but I digress.) The reason for attunement is simple. From the evolutionary lens, it can be thought of as being a simple biological necessity. In adulthood, those adults who cannot attune are highly dangerous to organized tribal societies from which we all once descended.

The fear of unattuned adults (not to be confused with adults who are out-of-tune) continues to this day, perpetuated in both mystique and horror by popular media (the allure and mystique of the sociopath in modern-day TV) and in a more boring but no less fascinating pathological sense via the DSM V’s ASPD diagnosis. However, let us focus on those of us who do generally have the capacity to attune (dicey wording, as sociopaths are capable of very deep-seeming attunement) and what this might mean for our spiritual and personal relationships.

All interpersonal (as distinct from societal) attunement essentially boils down to the following: You are on either the ground or top floor of a hundred-story building; take your pick. The person you most urgently need to speak to is at the other elevation. How do we bridge the gap? In short order, either one or both of you will soon be in an elevator or on the stairs. That metaphorical trip is called attunement. If you look out for this, you will notice it happens in every area of everyday life. Whenever two (or more) people interact, someone is on the elevator (the fast track to changing course) or the stairs (slower and more cumbersome).

Additionally, sometimes, one person makes all the shifts; on other, more frequent occasions, both parties will yield slightly. Though where the two meet will change, they rarely meet on the same floor every time. The rendezvous point will typically fluctuate by at least a story or two. This is what a relationship pattern is and why it is near impossible for two people to have the same relationship with the same person. Where I meet you is not the same as where I meet my parents.

Some stronger-willed personalities always drag everyone to their floor. We call this charisma. The magnetism that ensures you come to my floor, along with everyone in the room. Some of us, inherent people-pleasers, always try to discern where others are at and meet them on their floor (spoiler: they’re often wrong, even though they think otherwise. They fail to realize that the other person is usually also moving towards them, and they could have stayed or at least started from exactly where they were).

In keeping with traditional analogies where good is up and less desirable behaviors, traits, and actions happen on the lower floors, two people will occasionally take an elevator ride to the basement together. This is so even if, as individuals, they both hang out on ‘higher’ floors. We’d call this a more destructive relationship and relationships where people meet on the rooftop for brunch ideal ones, but both these judgments are something of an illusion. All that’s happening is two people meeting wherever is most convenient for one or both of them at that moment in time (even if it is neither of their individual preferences!).

This is partially why gossip is ludicrous as much as it is devastating. When I tell you, “X is such and such a person capable of the lowest scumbaggery and connivery,” even though I actually may harm the view of X you carry in your head and destroy the peace of mind on the floor where you meet X, what I am really saying is “I meet X in the basement.” I’m telling you far more about myself than I am about X. In fact, X may not even be in the basement where I see him! I may be hanging out in the basement, and when I meet X, assume he’s there with me, or to feel better about myself, that he’s in the sub-cellar while I’m ‘only’ in the basement(we’d call this ‘projection’).

However, the crux of the matter is who we become in these relationships. If I meditate every day, speak softly, donate money to charity, and then bump into someone at whom I lose my temper, in those moments, I have taken the elevator down and fast. It doesn’t matter that I meditated yesterday or supported someone that morning. It doesn’t even matter that, thanks to my meditation practices, I will soon recover and even do so quickly. At that moment, the only truth is that I am in the basement. I may drag whomever my dance partner of that moment was down there with me, but the basement is where I reside.

Of course, the reverse of this is also true. When you are wrecked with anxiety and sit down with a teacher or friend, you may notice a reprieve. But this is highly conditional. Paradoxically, if you remain at your level and surrender to where you truly are, a teacher and friend can meet you there. This ‘meeting in the basement’ often triggers our most profound insecurities. After all, we seldom want to be seen when we are in our own personal basements. However, nothing can quite help like this sort of surrender and honesty. The reverse is also true. Attempt to tell your teacher you are on a different floor, and they may sense you’re not quite being honest, but they may also choose to respect your dignity. Tell a friend that you are doing great when it is not so, and you may soon find yourself lonely and sad at your then-incapacity to have reached out.

The same is true when you tune into something of the higher order, such as music or even God. At the moment when the person suffering elevates themselves via music, they are no different than the meditative person lost in a blind rage. No matter who they were a moment beforehand, in that moment, they can be at the highest of floors in their building. As for the divine, it is everywhere, and you can meet it on any level. Approaching the divine with pretensions, the divine will meet you on the wrong floor. Surrender, and the divine will meet you in the depths.